Transcript for Comedy with Joe Eurell
Hey, there. I'm Joe Eurell, a comedian with cerebral palsy. I'm from Orange County, California. Huntington Beach, to be exact. I want to thank you for allowing me the opportunity to perform for the Accessibility Conference.
As somebody in a wheelchair, accessibility is really important to me. And I don't mean to bum you all out, but like, I recently got in an argument with somebody over a handicap accessible parking spot. And I was going on and on, and telling them how offensive it was that they would try to park in this parking space with no placard. And they really couldn't understand why I was so upset because I didn't have a car, and I was trying to park my wheelchair in the same spot. And he didn't really see where I was coming from.
But having cerebral palsy is really tough. I've had it my whole life. I'm 35, I was born with cerebral palsy. And some people ask me how I got cerebral palsy. I try to say, well, I was born two months premature. And at the time, I was also born in Florida. So that kind of explains how I got cerebral palsy.
And it's tough. I've had it for 35 years. But only for 20 years have I known it was cerebral palsy and not cerebral pause Because see, for the first 15 years of my life, I thought it was cerebral pausing Like my brain was literally pausing. It made sense to me at the time.
But it's tough being in a-- where I'm from because I came out to California from South Carolina. And some people asked me, "Oh, do you have cerebral palsy?" I said no. I said I just have a really deep Southern accent. But when I came out to California from cerebral pa-- [MUTTERS] see? Cerebral pause there.
When I came out to California from South Carolina, they had things that were here that I had never seen in South Carolina, like sidewalks and city buses. I didn't know what sidewalks were. Somebody asked me, "Boy, where you born in a barn?" I said no, my parents didn't have that kind of money.
But I was so country, my first wheelchair was a wheelbarrow. It's kind of embarrassing. But I have a good life out here.
I was adopted by a very amazing family. And I consider myself very lucky to have been adopted in California because the other family that wanted to adopt me Amish. And I really like my electric wheelchair, so I don't make jokes about my adopted family. In fact, I think when they adopted me, I think they might have got ripped off a little bit.
So I'm a little bit of a schemer. I often joke that if I-- God put me in a wheelchair to keep me from stealing car stereos. And that's something I firmly believe.
But I try to look on the bright side about cerebral palsy. Like I have so much muscle tension that I can eat whatever I want. I don't really gain any weight. So cerebral palsy is the best diet anybody can have. And sometimes, when cerebral palsy has me looking down, I just look at the six pack. And that really gives me-- I try to stay focused on the good stuff because I think you'll notice that even though I have cerebral palsy, I have really great hair. I think that's what counts more.
I try not to like-- I try not to let people's attitude about my cerebral palsy affect me. I get asked a lot ignorant questions like, how did you get cerebral palsy? I said, "Well, I get a discount."
People ask me stupid questions like, how fast does my wheelchair go? Like, 45 or 75 miles an hour. Yes, my wheelchair, that I drive in hallways, goes 75 miles an hour. I'm driving a sports car. That's exactly what's going on here.
You can't believe it. The way that they ask you questions, "Hey bro, do you pop wheelies in your wheelchair?" No, I don't pop wheelies. It's not a vehicle. It's not a low rider. It's a mobility assistance device. I'm not going to give myself whiplash for no reason.
But it is tough. And the pandemic was really tough. I'll tell you, about a month into quarantine, my wheelchair broke and I was stuck in this room for about five weeks. And I was like, this is horrible. Who signed me up for quarantine premium? Unsubscribe.
It's tough. It really is. But I try to get over it. I got an Alexa, and Alexa told me I need speech therapy. So I--
(Alexa Device) Sorry I don't know that.
Thank you. I got a Fitbit. I put on the Fitbit. It said, don't bother.
I am trying to stay positive, though. Like I have a lawsuit. I'm actually suing White Claw for copyright infringement on my arm. Trying to stay positive.
Like I always say, it's all the ignorant stuff people say to me because of my disability, it's just material that writes itself. For example, I was going down the street about six months ago. I'm wearing my mask. And somebody said, "Hey, hey bud. Why are you wearing a mask?" I said, "Sir, I'm trying to slow the spread of cerebral palsy."
But I really appreciate you all letting me be here because I believe accessibility is a philosophy. I really do. I think, as disabled people, we should strive to do all the things we believe we can do. Like, even though it wasn't possible, I still tried to sign up for the military. And I tried to because I know it'd be different at first. I know boot camp would be more like wheel camp. And it'd be tough.
But I mean, I feel like I can at least be a drill sergeant. But maybe-- since that didn't work out, I thought about being a process server because-- you know, those people who hand out legal documents. I thought about doing that because when you're disabled, there's always somebody coming up to you going, "Hey buddy, do you need help finding anything?" And this is when I would drop the legal document and wait for somebody to walk by. Pick it up and say, "Hey buddy, you dropped this." And that's when I'd say, "actually no. That's for you. You've just been served." And I'd scurry away. That's one of my jobs.
Another job I thought about doing is, I thought about being a purse snatcher. I probably shouldn't tell you guys this. But I thought about being a purse snatcher because number one, as we've already established, my wheelchair goes 75 miles an hour. And my free arm already looks like a hook. So I think-- I'd roll by, hook. Maybe not. Probably shouldn't tell you guys that.
But one of my other hobbies is-- I probably shouldn't tell you guys this, too. Sometimes I like to go around town in my wheelchair and a ski mask because you'd see a guy in a wheelchair and a ski mask. And you don't know what's going on. I'll tell you what's going on. I like to run into people on Segways or roller blades. I like to knock them over with my wheelchair. And then, I say to them, "Welcome to my world now." Because I want them to explain experience what it's like.
I'm kidding. I don't really do that. Wearing a ski mask. I'd just do it without my face covered. Totally kidding, guys. I would never run into people on Segways or roller blades with my wheelchair. That would damage my wheelchair. I don't want to do that.
But I just want to thank you guys by closing on this story of accessibility. I was in the bathroom recently and I didn't realize how small the bathroom was. I actually got stuck, after the door closed, in the small bathroom in the same way that the boat got stuck in the Suez Canal. Like, my wheels-- like the bathroom was the Suez Canal and my wheelchair was the boat, and I couldn't turn around.
As soon as the door closed, I heard Stephen Hawking's robot voice say, "Hello Joe. Want to play a game?" Like, no, I don't, Stephen. No, I don't.
That's one of my least favorite things about people that don't have disabilities. They do escape rooms. I'm like, you know, my whole life as a disabled man is an escape room.
But anyway, I want to thank you guys for having me. And I'll tell you one more joke before I go. A guy in a wheelchair walks into a bar...
Thank you guys very much. I hope I was able to make you guys laugh. I'm comedian Joe Eurell.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
