Transcript for Michael Damian Comedian
All right, thank you everybody, thank you, yeah. My name is Michael Damian. But my real last name is Chrashew, which is weird. It is Ukrainian and I'm from the American South. So growing up, they just called me Michael godless communist. I'm really happy to be here at Accessibility.com. Thank you very much. I love your cause it is fantastic.
However as a deaf person, the little name is hard to say, Accessibility.com. I'm using it with Deshaun Connery speech impediment, but I'm saying it with the sex appeal of Michael Damian. Yeah, so it's outlook's not looking too hot. Yeah, I'm hearing impaired, and I grew up in the Bible Belt, the American South. Which was hard because rednecks have one cure for any disability. The boy needs an ass whooping. Like ass whooping? Is that covered under Blue Cross, Blue Shield, what's going on with that? No.
I have to read lips which is really hard when no one else is deaf, because I want to lean in, I want to know what's going on about your day, but all I'm getting is, "Whoa, Michael. What are you doing? We've been through this, we're only friends, back up." Gay rednecks would come out to me when they thought my deaf lisp was a gay one. And I thought, it was just me and my best bud in his pickup truck cranking up that new Taylor Swift, cause I'm deaf. Now, it turns out I'm the reason for the teardrops on my friend's guitar. Little Taylor Swift throw away for some of your guys on the video.
To be fair, I do have a southern flair. My drag name is Dolly Poverty. I'm a comedian. I don't think I need to point that out, we have the lights going on, the camera, the mic's in my hand. But I say that because I was way too young to burn out and fade away in an 80s hair metal band. Yeah. Which is why I'm coming at you with this energy that's a little weird, completely unprovoked, unwarranted, of being the youngest dude in a dad rock tribute band.
Yeah, hello accessibility.com, are you ready to leave your kids in the car to go get cigarettes? High voltage. I'm a dork, I didn't need to pantomime the t-shirt cannon, but I'm a dork, which is weird because I want to be a bad ass. Like I want my hair to say shout at the devil. But let's be real, all I'm shouting at is the unemployment website. What do you mean my email doesn't work, I just used it 3 times.
I don't know if you check the flyer or not, but I am the intellectual part of the night. Yeah, I've had 15 year operations, which was really hard. I got every painkiller known to man from my operations. My Marvel superhero name is Captain opioid crisis. Look up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane. It's a very troubling and heartbreaking statistic. But I say all of that, because that's why I'm standing in front of you guys today, looking like Bill and Ted's half volume adventure, which is neither bogus, nor is it excellent.
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I also get John Wick on unemployment. What do you mean my benefits ran out? Ex comunicado. Little John Wick deep cut for you. I have good ear days and I have bad ear days, which is weird because my hair looks like this all the time. And I had to spend every year in school in the library recovering from ear operations. I needed a doctor's note for all forms of physical activity, gym class, field trips, all of those dates, I was not going on or got asked to go on.
And you know it's embarrassing, lying to myself, telling myself that, yeah, a doctor's note was the only reason I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21. Yeah, that one little doctor's note. And it definitely wasn't starting out every first date by saying, "Hi would you like to join my sketch comedy group? We need a woman. What do you say my lady? We could use a babes perspective." I know it's getting a little creepy, I should be growing a fedora right now, but I apologize.
Yeah, it's rough because not only am I hearing impaired, I have a history degree. Because I looked at my ears in the mirror and said, you know I need something else that doesn't work. Yeah, so I became hearing impaired impressionist. Yeah, you guys are happy this video is free. You're not paying to see it. Yeah, because I would take girls on dates and show them my fan fiction, which was just me just doing my best partially deaf Eric Cartman going, going, (MOCKINGLY) heh heh heh heh heh! Heh heh heh heh heh heh! You have to read my screenplay, and I have garlic biscuits! Heh heh heh heh heh heh!
Yeah no that's what girls love. They love it when their date to red lobster becomes a writers room against their will. Yeah, because you came to this video for dating tips. As I've had an absolute blast performing for you guys right now on Zoom, I haven't heard any laughter. But as a deaf comedian, that's just a regular Tuesday. So I greatly appreciate this. Thank you very much for having me. My name is Michael Damian, have a great night, have a great time exiting out back to your home browser on the computer, and don't forget to tip your wait staff. Thank you, good night.